Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Randomize
