The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
