You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
