five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think your dad took our porno
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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