So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
