if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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