you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
