Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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