We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
