thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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