I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
