I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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