you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
