my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
