That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
