People in love make me want to vomit
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
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It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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