My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
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