So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
