Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
