there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
