woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize
