fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
