she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
ugly people sure do ruin things
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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