I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
