He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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