So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
