I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
