My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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