I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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