everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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