Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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