I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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