using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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