ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
