I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
