you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She has the best kind of daddy issues
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
