I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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