The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
