I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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