The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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