Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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