omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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