I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
