I can't breathe out the right side of my face
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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