I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
