He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
