Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
