dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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