So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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