We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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