no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
