I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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