Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
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