Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
