Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have already put on my inside pants.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
