her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
