I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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