Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
