How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Randomize
