Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
