I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
