dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
